


The Sadie Hawkins Dance from Hell

by Hopeless_1322



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Hormones, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Sadie Hawkins Dance, Teenage Drama, Young Love, other minor pairings if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-26 03:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13226847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hopeless_1322/pseuds/Hopeless_1322
Summary: It's that time of year again at ISIS high, and unfortunately Lana and Sterling's relationship is on the rocks. In order to punish Archer for his insolence and asshole-ness, Lana holds her ask to the Sadie Hawkins dance hostage.Naturally, chaos ensues.





	The Sadie Hawkins Dance from Hell

Lana can feel Archer’s eyes burning a hole through the back of her head, and knowing that she’s finally managed to piss him off so much gives her great joy. 

He deserves it. 

Lana’s sick and tired of being the one who gives a damn about their relationship, so if Archer really wants to be with her, it’s his turn to pick up the pieces and show that he cares, because Lana is _done._

And she means it this time.

“Sterling, I would appreciate it if you looked at the board,” The physics teacher drawls, shooting his typically unruly student an exasperated look. “I fail to see how you can learn by glaring at the back of Miss Kane’s head.”

Lana can’t help but snicker, thoroughly pleased. 

Archer grumbles to himself underneath his breath, thoroughly pissed.

The second the bell rings, the war continues, Lana all but sprinting out of the class with as much grace and elegance as she can muster in her heels. Archer takes the bait and goes after her, sporting a sour scowl.

“Hey, so….are you just going to ignore me? Lana?” He calls after her, trying his best to suppress his desperation. He is his mother’s son after all, and Archers do _not_ openly show their emotional hurt. “Lana?”

Lana smiles to herself, keeping a cool head and searching the hallway for a friend to chit chat with in order to effectively cut Archer off completely. Unfortunately she doesn’t see any of her student counsel pals, nor does she see Ray...oh well. Making a beeline for the ladies’ room should do the trick.

“Lana!” Archer snaps, starting to forget himself. “Lana!”

Several students stop to stare, watching this interesting scene play out. Fights between Sterling Archer and Lana Kane are not uncommon and are even eagerly anticipated, as they provide the student body with something juicy to talk about. 

It’s surprising that the two of them ever even got together in the first place, honestly.

Archer’s a bad boy of sorts, getting detention at least once a month for mouthing back to teachers and having a snarky, abrupt sense of humor. Everyone is convinced that he only gets away with his shit because he's the star of the lacrosse team.

Lana, on the other hand, is an A plus student and respected member of the student council, constantly petitioning for the rights of the Environmental Club and Gay Straight Alliance.

Lana has ambitions and places to go, Archer simply plans to receive a high ranking position in his mother’s successful insurance company without lifting a finger.

Lana cares, Archer doesn’t. 

They’re a match made in hell, but for some reason that’s completely unexplainable,they always end up back in each others arms.

“Lana! Lana!” Archer shouts, freezing in his tracks when his flame quickly slips into the restroom. “Oh, c’mon! You’re just going to ignore me? Lana!”

“Pity, the only thing that’s stopping you from going in there is that sign of a stick person wearing a dress,” Pam chides through a mouthful of glazed doughnut, watching Archer continue to fume. “Guess you’ll just have to try and wait her out, huh?”

“I’ve had to do that before,” Cheryl says sympathetically. “I spotted my boyfriend at the movie theatre last week and when I went up to him to say hello, he ran out of the theatre and hid in the mens’ room. I had to wait for an hour for him to come out, and when he did, he had called security on me for some reason and I was booted from the theatre! Can you believe that guy?”

Pam looks over at her friend warily and lets out a groan. “We’ve been over this, Cheryl… Alex Demarlen isn’t your boyfriend.”

Cheryl shoots Pam a hurt look and crosses her arms over her chest. “He is my boyfriend!”

“No, no, he’s not. Remember how you thought Sam Henderson was your boyfriend?”

“But he was, too! We broke up after he called the police because I kept trying to take a picture of his house!”

Archer, not in the mood to put up with two infamous social outcasts like Pam fucking Poovey and Cheryl Tunt, simply sighs angrily before walking away, ignoring Pam and Cheryl’s bickering easily enough.

“You’ve won this battle, Lana,” he mumbles bitterly. “But you’re going to lose the war...my God, I sound like Woodhouse.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No matter how hectic Lana’s schedule is, she never postpones her habitual Friday night plans with her friend Ray. To do so would be, in her mind, an unforgivable sin, as the two of them have been meeting up at Applebee's every Friday night since they both earned their permits freshmen year.

Traditions between lifelong best friends aren’t just thrown away! Besides, Lana has all weekend to attend to her responsibilities, surely she can give up her Friday nights to her dearest and most beloved gay boyfriend.

“So….a little bird told me that Archer was screaming at you like goddamn banshee in the hallway this afternoon,” Ray says on the ride to the restaurant, choosing a lovely conversation starter. “I take it you and Prince Not-So-Charming aren’t together anymore?”

“Nope,” Lana answers stiffly, her hold on the steering wheel visibly tightening. “Archer and I are done. Like, done as that little emo phase you went through in middle school, honey.”

Ray rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest. “Like your little Miss Woodstock phase was any prettier…but seriously...you and Archer are done? For good?”

“You know it. I’m sick and tired of his bull shit. The worst part is that it’s almost like he expects me to apologize for him! Me!” Lana exclaims angrily, shaking her head in disapproval. 

“What did he do this time?” Ray asks, already having a few hypothesis from Lana and Archer’s previous break ups.

“At his last lacrosse game I caught him winking at one of the other teams’ cheerleaders. I brushed it off at first because I don’t want to be a fucking nag, but then he blew me off at the after party. I thought all of his drinking had finally caught up with him and that he was throwing up in the bathroom, but when I went to use the bathroom myself, I found it surprisingly Archer-less.”

“Where was he?”

“Having sex with the cheerleader in his mother’s bed.”

Ray makes a face of disgust and gags. “Can’t he at least be an infidel in his own damn bed?!”

“Apparently not. I swear to god, Ray, he has such a fucked up relationship with his mother, it’s not even funny.”

“Aw, I’m sorry, honey,” Ray coos, reaching over to give Lana’s knee an affectionate squeeze. “That boy is bad news, you need to find yourself a man. One who doesn’t cheat on you in his mother’s bed.”

Lana laughs and nods in agreement. “I know, right? I deserve to be cheated on in a proper location! I don’t think I’ve ever caught him cheating on me in his own bed…”

“No? Well, there was that time you caught him making out with the cheer squad captain underneath the bleachers, and that other time it was the waitress from the diner...you caught them having oral sex where?”

“On his living room table.”

“Oh, so...I guess he never has cheated on you in his own bed.”

Lana shrugs and purses her lips. “You know what? Who cares. I’m done with him and this is the last time I let him break my heart. Third strike you’re out, right?”

“Is that a sport reference? I _feel_ like that was a sport reference.”

“Yes, honey, yes it was.”

“Got it. So, you’re done with him. You gotta promise me you’re seriously done with him, Lana, because you deserve so, so much better.”

Lana’s honestly taken aback by her friend’s pleading tone. “I promise, for your sanity and my happiness.”

Ray smiles uneasily, but can’t shake the feeling that his girlfriend still hasn’t gotten off of the Sterling Archer Express yet, as the first time Archer cheated she swore that she was done, yet here they are two years later, still blowing gaskets over that asshole.

“You know, I’m so over Archer that I don’t even want to talk about him tonight,” Lana says confidently, shooting Ray a smile. 

“Woah, seriously?” 

Lana usually never passes up a chance to rip Archer a new one, especially after he’s just done something that’s put their relationship on the rocks, whether it be forgetting a date, getting unreasonably drunk and being an embarrassment, or the occasional side fling.

“Seriously, I don’t even want to hear that dick face’s name,” Lana says with a firm nod. “Distract me from my internal misery, Ray. How’s the yearbook committee commission going so far this year?”

“You really want me to blabber on and on about the yearbook committee and it’s enlisting?” Ray ask skeptically, quirking an eyebrow. He’ll gladly take up this opportunity to vent about the frustrations of being captain and putting up with everyone else’s bull shit, but even he knows listening to such a rant must be inane and boring as fuck. “You sure?”

“Positive….actually, wait until we get to the restaurant. I think I need a basket of mozzarella sticks to get through this. No offense.”

Ray laughs and shakes his head. “None taken, I could use some junk food to get through it myself.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Come Monday, Archer continues to hound the hallways in search of Lana. His desperation is showing through in a way that would leave his mother ashamed, but he can’t help it.

Sterling Archer is fucking losing it.

Lana ignored all of his texts over the weekend, marking two weeks since he fucked up and possibly permanently ruined their relationship. Why did he have to go and do a foolish thing like that? Why the _hell_ does he do any of the things that he does?

Archer doesn’t even understand why he does half of the things he does, not that he’d ever admit so aloud. Sometimes he feels like he’s just incapable of treating the one woman he can truly say he loves right.

It’d be easier to blame alcohol or his neglectful mother for this inability, but...at the end of the day, Archer knows he has no one to blame for this weakness but himself.

But then again, it’s not exactly like Lana’s a fucking cherub herself. She’s caused a fair share of upheaval within their relationship, even if she refuses to admit it.

How many times has she gotten unreasonably frustrated with him because he can’t properly read her passive aggressive signs?

How many times has she purposefully made a show out of flirting with guys like Cyril just to press his buttons?

However, Archer knows that this time the yolk is on his face. He fucked things up by himself this time, he should’ve never even invited that cheerleader back to his place for the after party….what was her name anyway? Kayla, Kaitlyn, Kathryn? Something like that...

“Hey, are you still trying to hunt down your girlfriend?” Pam asks as she spots Archer pacing around the perimeter of the cafeteria, ignoring all of his lacrosse teammates who continue to shout at him, offering him a seat. 

“I saw Lana earlier today,” Cheryl pipes up, snatching an oreo from the package her and Pam are currently splitting for lunch. “She was in the gym with Cyril to teach him how to slow dance for the upcoming Sadie Hawkins Dance.”

Archer does a double take, the two pieces of news bitch slapping him simultaneously. 

_Cyril?! Cyril Figgis?! And Sadie's? Is it already that time of the year again?!_

“Don’t let your jaw hit the floor,” Pam teases with a snort. “It’s not like they were sucking face. It was the opposite of romantic, actually, Cyril dances like he’s got two left feet and was a fucking mess. It was definitely just a friendly favor thing.”

“Hey, even if it wasn’t, Lana’s on the free market, isn’t she?” Cheryl asks. “So...she could suck face with Cyril if she wanted to...hypothetically.”

“If she does, that seriously just proves that Lana’s got a thing for captains. Captain of the lacrosse team here, and now the captain of the dorky math team.”

Cheryl laughs and nods in agreement. “Captain Jack Sparrow’s next!”

Archer, once again not at all in the mood to listen to Pam and Cheryl’s twittering, takes off, storming in the direction of the gymnasium. He swears to God, if he walks in to see Cyril with his paws all over Lana….

Several members of the student council fill the gym, working together to hang bright blue streamers and banners declaring the name of the dance across the walls. In one of the corners, secluded from the party planning mayhem, are Lana and Cyril, messing around with an 80’s style boombox.

Such a sight really isn’t anything worth getting pissed off over, but Archer’s already too keyed up to make good decisions.

“What the hell is going on here?” He yells, pointing an accusatory finger in Lana’s direction as he storms over towards them. “What is this?!”

Cyril blanches, all but hiding behind Lana as Archer advances. “H-hey, Archer.”

“Oh God,” Lana mumbles rolling her eyes at her ex’s irrationally angry reaction. “Archer, what the shit?”

“What do you mean 'what the shit'?! I should be the one asking what the shit!” Archer replies angrily, flailing his arms and huffing. “Are you and Cyril, like, _a thing_ now?! Is that why you’ve been blowing me off this last week?!”

“Woah, woah, me and Lana are not together, Archer!” Cyril exclaims, putting his hands up defensively. “She just agreed to help me learn how to slow dance so that I don’t feel like a complete idiot at Sadie's…”

“Even if me and Cyril were a thing, that’s no reason for you to storm in here like I’ve just fucking backstabbed you!” Lana yells, giving Archer a shove before crossing her arms over her chest. “You and me are done! I can be with whoever I want because I’m not bound to your sorry ass!”

“Oh, _my_ sorry ass? I apologize for keeping you tied up to my fucking anchor for so long!”

“Yeah, me too!”

Cyril, watching the two spat back and forth, is beginning to feel uncomfortable. He knows all about Lana and Archer just like everybody else in the school does, but actually being in the middle of one of the quarrels and knowing he’s the reason for it?...Decidedly not cool.

“Hey, c’mon guys…” he pleads uselessly. “Let’s all just take a nice, deep breath and-”

“Shut up, Cyril!” Archer snaps. “This whole ‘dance lesson’ bull shit is literally the dumbest excuse I’ve ever heard! Why the hell does Cyril need to learn how to dance? It’s not like any girl is going to ask him out to Sadies anyway!”

“Archer!” Lana shouts, looking horrified. “What the fuck?!”

“No, uh, it’s alright,” Cyril mumbles awkwardly, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck as he begins to slowly make his way out of the gym. “He’s right...I’ll probably just end up staying home...for the fourth year in a row.”

“Aw, Cyril, that’s not true,” Lana insists gently, grabbing her classmate by the arm to prevent him from leaving. “I’m sure there’s someone who’ll ask you to go.”

Archer frowns disapprovingly. “Oh, c’mon, Lana. Don’t get his hopes up, that’s just cruel.”

‘But it’s senior year for you, Cyril. Everyone wants to go senior year because it’s their last chance! I’m positive some girl on the math team or in the chess club would love for you to go with her!”

Cyril smiles weakly and shrugs. “A guy can dream, right?”

“Hey, you can always take your left hand with you,” Archer jokes dryly with a shrug, earning himself another glare from Lana.

It’s this last comment that Archer thought was too witty to keep to himself that sets off the bomb.

“No, you’re going to go to Sadies this year, Cyril,” Lana says, eyes glued on Archer as her lips spread into a triumphant grin. “You’re going to go because I don’t like showing up to dances without a date.”

Archer swears that he might faint, and honestly, Cyril does, too.

“W-wait...you’re asking me to go to Sadies with you?” Cyril splutters, face turning bright pink. 

When Lana shoots him a sweet smile and nods, Cyril simply nods in return, dumbfounded. Lana Kane has just invited him to the Sadie Hawkins Dance and Archer is sizing him up and preparing to rip his head off...what the hell has just happened?

Cyril feels like he just stepped into a steaming pile of dog shit.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure that asking Cyril to go with you was the right thing to do?” Ray ask dubiously, leaning up against the wall as he waits for Lana to exit the dressing room. “I know that you were just killing two birds with one stone there; being nice to Cyril and pissing Archer off, but...don’t you think that you might’ve made things worse?”

“No,” Lana answers simply, letting her unbearably stubborn side show. “Cyril’s never been to Sadies and, you’re right, I wanted to show Archer that I’m capable of getting a date.”

“You could’ve just asked me,” Ray replies with a heavy ‘pity me’ sigh. “My mom’s on me about getting a girlfriend again and not going to Sadies is going to look bad.”

“Aw, honey, just go with Pam. I’m sure she’d be glad to take you!”

“But Pam’s already going with Krieger!” Ray whines, thumping the back of his head against the wall in despair. “She asked him yesterday!”

“Pam’s going with Krieger? That weird guy with a serious boner for chemistry and some sort of antisocial personality disorder?”

“Now, Lana, no one knows for sure that Krieger has an antisocial personality disorder, he might just be…. _eccentric_ ,” Ray chastises in his dreaded ‘mother hen’ voice. “It’s not nice to make assumptions about people.”

Lana laughs and shakes her head, because holy shit, Ray may have just won hypocrite of the year there with that statement. “Whatever you say….alright, I really like how this one looks, but be honest with me...okay?”

“Okay,” Ray promises, crossing his fingers behind his back. His mother always told him that you tell a lady that she looks lovely...least you want a broken nose. “Let’s see it.”

Lana’s a complete show girl when trying on clothes, twirling around like one of the excited little kids on _Toddlers in Tiaras_ and smiling like she’s just won the lottery. Today is no different, as she struts out of the dressing room in a flurry of swirling skirts and bright smiles, catching the cashier’s attention.

She looks nice, red’s a good color for her, Ray thinks with a smile and nod of approval. Mrs. Kane probably won’t be too pleased when she sees just how short the dress is, but what the hell, Ray’s not a prude.

“You’re looking good, girl. Now we just need to find you a nice, simple pair of black heels to complete the ensemble...and maybe a new necklace, too.”

Lana grins and nods in agreement, her smile only widening when her phone buzzes for the fifth time that day with another lengthy and angry text from Archer. 

She’s in a good place right now.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After yet another week of being ignored by Lana, Archer decides that the only way to win this fight is to play dirty himself. In order to do this, he needs a date to Sadies, and fast.

He’s already asked Pam, but she’s taking Krieger. All of the cheerleaders have been snatched up by the football team, and Cheryl’s going with Ray, despite the fact that he’s basically king of the gays.

So that leaves Archer with his mother.

Great.

“Are you still trying to win back Lana?” Pam asks him Tuesday afternoon, three days before the dreaded dance. “Because if you are….clock’s ticking, buddy.”

“Yep, everyone’s already gotten themselves a date….even Krieger,” Cheryl teases, laughing harder when Pam gives her a shove.

“Well, are either of you lovely ladies looking to upgrade your Sadies date?” Archer offers with the most charming smile he can muster. 

“You can hook one of us up with a young George Clooney?” Pam jokes, causing Cheryl to shriek with laughter Archer's eloquent facade to crumble.

“Hey, it’s me, the mad scientist, or king of the gays.”

“Mad scientist.”

“King of the gays.”

Archer stares in disbelief, unable to come up with a reply that doesn’t make him look like a complete loser. Did both of them seriously just choose Ray and fucking Krieger over him? What the hell?

“Look, Archer, you’re not a complete asshole all the time but...I don’t want to get in the middle of this civil war between you and Kane,” Pam explains with a shrug.

“Yeah, me neither. Besides, Ray really needs a date to Sadies so that his mom doesn’t think he likes guys…”

Archer bites his lip, still having a hard time swallowing the fact that he’s the one being rejected this time. He’s never been turned down like this, especially not by people like Cheryl and Pam...maybe he really is losing his touch.

“Hey, don’t look so down. Maybe you can still convince Lana to dump Cyril and go with you,” Pam suggests with a shrug. “You’ve still got three days, use them to your advantage.”

“Yeah! Sweep Lana off her feet with flowers and chocolates and mushy poetry!” Cheryl chimes in with a wide smile. “You can do it, Archer!”

The mere thought of writing poetry for Lana makes Archer’s skin crawl, and he has a feeling Lana wouldn’t really be all that impressed with his writing skills. Lana’s mad at him, so she’ll probably think that the stereotypical flowers and chocolates are tacky...what the fuck is Archer supposed to do?

Maybe if he just psyches out Cyril enough he’ll forfeit his invite to the Sadies dance, leaving it up for grabs for Archer to swoop in and steal.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Archer, c’mon….” Cyril pleads, holding his head in his hands and cringing. “Would you please just leave me alone? Please?”

Archer, who is currently looming over Cyril’s seat in the library like a storm cloud, refuses to budge, even though the librarian is giving him the evil eye. “Oh, c’mon, Cyril! We’re just having a conversation, alright? This isn’t a confrontation or anything.”

“You sure? Because it feels like one.”

Archer rolls his eyes and sighs, drumming his fingers on the table as he tries to think of something to say to make his intentions more subtle. “I just want to know how Lana’s doing, alright? She won’t answer any of my calls or respond to any of my texts so...I’m a little worried, okay?”

“Lana’s...fine. She’s doing fine.”

Archer awkwardly nods, still not making any moves to indicate that he plans on leaving Cyril alone any time soon. “Oh, that’s….good.”

“You’re in love with her,” Cyril says matter-of-factly, a look of pity washing over his face. 

“I’m eighteen, I don’t even know what the hell _love_ is yet,” Archer replies with a breezy laugh. “Seriously, you sound like such a girl right now, Cyril.”

Cyril, knowing that he’s hit a sore spot, simply shrugs and lets it go. “Whatever you say, Archer. To be honest with you, I don’t think I can go to Sadies with Lana. I’ve spent the last few days thinking of a respectful way to let her down.”

“What?”

“I won’t being going to Sadies with Lana.”

In this moment, Archer decides that God must be real. 

“Oh.”

Cyril nods, smiling to himself as he watches Archer struggle to contain his excitement. “Yeah...Lana’s nice, don’t get me wrong. She’s kind, smart, pretty, but….”

“You’re gay?”

“No. But as much as I like her, I don't think she likes me. It’s you she wants to go to the dance with, and if you would pull your head out of your ass long enough to be bearable, she might still ask you to go with her. So….pull your shit together, okay?”

If Archer weren’t currently floating on cloud nine he would argue and protest to Cyril’s use of ‘head’ and ‘ass’, but right now the other teen couldn’t care less. He simply nods, no longer able to suppress his smile.

Now he just needs to figure out how to charm Lana back into his arms yet again.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So...I somehow have a date to Sadies now, but you don’t?” Ray asks, watching as Lana paces across her bedroom floor with a pensive frown. “Cyril ditched you?”

“He was nice about it but...yeah, pretty much,” Lana admits with a distressed groan. “Now what the hell am I supposed to do? There’s no way in hell I’m taking Archer, and you’re going with Cheryl!”

“I’m sure there’s someone who’ll go with you to Sadies,” Ray replies gently. “Look at it this way, Cyril found someone to go to Sadies with!”

“Cyril found someone else to take him?”

“Yep, some girl in the chess club. Freckles and big rectangular glasses. They look like they belong together.”

“Well, at least things are turning out well for someone,” Lana huffs sarcastically, flopping over onto her bed and glaring up at her ceiling. “I still don’t get it! Just yesterday he seemed totally fine to go with me! What happened? I bet Archer has something to do with this…”

“As much as I like to blame Archer for causing all of your problems, I highly doubt he was involved in this shit storm, honey. Cyril didn’t seem scared when he broke the news to you, and he even seemed kind of like he thought he was doing the right thing, so...you might be to blame here.”

“Me?” Lana asks with a snort. “ _I_ chased Cyril Figgis away?”

“You didn’t chase him away it’s just...remember what I said the other day about killing two birds with one stone? I have a feeling that it wasn’t that big of a secret that that’s what your angle was, and Cyril’s not an idiot.”

“Oh shit….”

“Hey, I don’t think he was all that offended to have been a piece in your and Archer’s game of war, I think he just felt awkward and kind of uncomfortable with it.”

Lana sighs, rolling over to curl up with her pillows. “I didn’t mean to put him in a bad situation, I just….I thought we were both getting what we wanted out of the arrangement.”

Ray shrugs, giving his friend’s butt a nudge with his bare foot. “It’s fine, honey, like I said, he seems fine. If you really want to go to Sadies you can go with me and Cheryl, I’m sure she won’t mind you tagging along.”

“ _Oh my fucking god_ ,” Lana groans with a shake of her head. “I can’t be that friend who’s ‘tagging along’! That’s not me, that’s never been me!”

“Well, it is this year, princess. Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“I’m not making your already dysfunctional date a threesome….there’s gotta be someone else I can ask out, right?”

“What about that guy on Archer’s lacrosse team who always used to flirt with you when you went to the games?” Ray offers, scrunching his face up as he tries to remember. “You know, the blond guy who missed all of last season because Archer kicked him in the calf with cleats on and broke his leg?”

“Barry Dylan?” Lana asks, tone heavy with disgust. “I think I’ll gladly dig up a random corpse and take it with me to Sadies before I go with Barry…”

“He’s so pretty, though!”

“Yes, he’s pretty, but he’s one of the few people I know who could possibly compete with Archer for the biggest asshole award.”

“So then you should be accustomed to his douchey alpha-male behavior!”

Lana groans, seriously wondering if she’s desperate enough to put up with Barry Dylan. She met him at the first lacrosse game she attended, as he came swaggering up to her after the game and was none to subtle about his desire to get into bed with her.

Even though Lana turned him down and shooed him off before Archer caught them, she had to admit that Barry was easy on the eyes, even when sporting a muddy jersey and mouthguard.

She did end up having sex with him once at a Tunt houseparty after a fight with Archer, and she’s regretted it ever since. Barry is a lot like a leech, once he’s attached he refuses to be swatted off and just continues to suck and _suck_.

This is proof through all of the dick pics and flirtatious texts Lana still gets on occasion, despite their one night stand having had happened over a year ago. Indulging Barry by inviting him to Sadies is sure to fuel the fire and possibly land Lana back in bed with the leech, but her only other option is going alone….

“I swear to god, I’m going to kill myself after all of this shit is done,” Lana mumbles to herself, groping around the bedsheets for her cell phone. “Here, do you want to see Barry Dylan’s supposed best asset?”

Ray is quick to roll over, a big smile on his face. “I love you, Lana Kane.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Archer thought that his life was over when Lana asked Cyril to Sadies, he may as well just stroke out now.

He’s currently standing half naked in the middle of the locker room after a grueling lacrosse practice, listening to Barry Dylan brag about how he and Lana are giving it another go this Friday night after the Sadie Hawkins Dance.

Archer now wishes Cyril hadn’t turned down Lana’s offer, because Barry Dylan... _.Jesus Christ!_

“Did you hear, Archer?” Barry asks, making sure Archer doesn’t get away without having his nose rubbed in it. “Your ex came crawling back to me, looking for a date to Sadies.”

“Jesus, she must be really fucking desperate if she’s taking you,” Archer replies snidely, only to have Barry smile right back at him.

“Don’t look so pissy, Archer. You’ve had your chance, all one hundred of them, and you blew them all. It’s my turn now, and I’m certain I know how to show Lana a damn good time.”

Archer draws a blank, simply glaring down Barry and his stupid, smug face. If Lana thinks she can just dump him for an asshole like Barry Dylan….she’s got another thing coming. Archer’s her dick face, not Barry.

Things have officially deviated from their natural order, and Archer will be damned if he lets it slip without a fight.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the night of damned dance, Archer finds himself entering the packed gymnasium without a girl hanging off of his arm; a lone bachelor in an area full of happy, horny couples sucking face and dancing in an intimate way that’s sending all of the chaperones into a tizzy. 

Archer feels weird being alone, but he takes solace in his suave finesse. He catches several girls, and even a few guys, checking him out as he strides into the gym, so maybe he hasn’t completely lost his touch after all. 

Archer is fast to map out the gym, keeping his eyes peeled for any familiar faces, particularly Lana’s and Barry’s. 

He quickly spots Cheryl and Pam, who have both seemingly ditched their dates in favor of each other’s company. The two of them are currently grabbing onto one another and spinning around like a twister on the middle of the dance floor, laughing and shouting gleefully. They seem as excited as two girls at fucking Disney World.

Ray, the second person Archer's eyes land on, doesn’t seem to care that he’s been left in the dust since his mom already saw him take off with a girl. He stands by the snack table, messing around with his hipster kodak camera and snapping pictures of the teenage mayhem to use in the yearbook.

Ray's not alone for long, though, as Krieger, after being ditched by Pam, decides to hover around near Ray, showing immense interest in the vintage camera. Ray is more than happy to let Krieger mess around with it and even looks excited to have someone genuinely interested in his hobby.

Cyril, whom Archer spies on the opposite side of the gym, is dancing with his date, face bright red and laughing awkwardly as his date does the same, swaying out of time to the pulsing beat.

And then there’s Lana, allowing Barry to sway and twist with her on the dance floor, hands intertwined on her waist. Archer feels his temple throb and begins to weave through the thick crowd of students, making a beeline for his ex and her douchey date.

“Oh, look who showed up!” Barry chirps the second he spots Archer, lips pulled into a tight smile. “Where’s your date, Archer?”

“You’re dancing with her.”

Barry laughs in a condescending and arrogant manner and shakes his head. “Fuck off, Archer.”

Lana looks stunned, looking over her shoulder at Archer in shock. She knows damn well that he’s balsy, but _goddamn_ ….

“Why don’t you fuck off, Barry?”

“Hey, look, Lana asked me to take her out tonight, not you,” Barry mumbles lowely, no longer looking amused by his rival’s sheer stubborn will. “Tonight I’m her date, tonight I’m her dance, and tonight I’m in her bed, alright?”

Lana gives Barry a wary look, feeling cheap because of his choice of words. “I never promised you a spot in my bed tonight,” she reminds him sternly, rolling her eyes when Barry dramatically twirls her around to avoid replying. 

Dick.

“She’s my girlfriend, Barry, I’d like you to let her go,” Archer says stubbornly, refusing to move, even when the swell of students begins to move towards him, attempting to do the cha-cha-slide around him. 

“She asked me!”

“Only because she was desperate and trying to show me she doesn’t need me to get a date! I get it, I was desperate, too, okay?! I’m here by myself and she’s here with an asshole like you...Lana, I screwed up. I know, I know, too little, too late, but I’m here tonight to tell you that...well, that I’m sorry. For everything.”

Lana stares at Archer in silence, once again shocked to the core. Sterling Archer is apologizing to her? She must be in the Twilight Zone….

“Archer, I...I’m sorry, too. I know I haven’t exactly been perfect either and….maybe we both just need to work on it,” Lana suggests with a small smile. She’s not going to lie to herself, her and Archer will never have an ideal, storybook romance, but if they both just put forth a little more effort....

“Okay, look, this is touching and all, but tonight’s not the night,” Barry grumbles, grabbing Lana by the wrist and attempting to lead her away. “You two can work out your bull shit some other time, but right now I’m your date, Lana.”

Lana tugs her arm away from Barry’s grasp, seemingly ignoring him as she takes a step forward and waits for Archer to respond with bated breath.

“Lana, are you willing to work with me to make this mess work?” Archer asks with a soft smile, extending his hand. “Will you give us one more go?”

Lana doesn’t hesitate to grab Archer’s hand, accepting his proposal. She always remembers just why she loves Sterling Archer after they have a falling out, and she knows deep down that she needs him as much as he needs her.

Barry looks unhappy, to say the least. 

“Hey, what the fuck?!” He exclaims angrily. “Are you seriously ditching me for Archer?!”

“Barry, please, you only came here with me tonight for the ‘after party’, we both know that, right?”

“That still doesn’t make it okay for you to leave me here on the dancefloor by myself!”

“Look, Barry, you weren’t getting into her bed tonight anyway,” Archer says with a shrug, struggling to hide his cocky smile. “So...you didn’t really lose anything here. Fair enough, right?”

“You don’t know that, lonely girls need a little loving, Archer…” Barry mumbles through a pissy sigh, following Archer and Lana across the gym.

It’s apparent that he’s not going to just let this one blow over. He thought he was going to get laid tonight by no other than Archer’s ex...now he lost his bragging rights and power to hold over his rival’s head.

“Barry, c’mon man,” Archer teases with a laugh. “I’m in a good mood now, don’t ruin it.”

“Lana, c’mon, are you seriously leaving me?!” Barry asks, looking beyond pissed, glaring daggers at Archer’s retreating back. “C’mon!”

Archer simply laughs under his breath as he and Lana exit the gym, leaving behind the noise and commotion of the dance. They sit down on the curb of the parking lot, simply staring up at the completely unromantic, cloudy sky in silence for a moment, contemplating their recently christened decision to get back together...yet again.

“So….we’re an item again, right?” Archer asks, sounding uncharacteristically insecure.

“Yeah, I guess we are,” Lana replies gently as she reaches over and takes Archer’s hand in her own. “But things are going to be different this time, alright? No other women, no other men, no lies, no mind games….just you and me.”

Archer can’t help but smile as he nods in agreement. “Alright….that was brutal in there, what you did with Barry? Seriously, Lana, completely savage. I’m proud.”

Lana shrugs nonchalantly. “I didn’t want him to be my date, I just didn’t have any other options. The whole ride here he kept asking about whether or not we were going to screw over the kitchen counter or on the bed. I have a feeling he planned to send you pictures.”

“So you only picked him to make me ridiculously jealous.”

“Yep.”

“Aw, you love me enough to go out with a creep like Barry Dylan just to win me back!”

Lana rolls her eyes but doesn’t object, because honestly, it’s true.

“You know, Archer, in a sick twisted way, I think we’re made for each other. Everytime we break up, no matter how mad I am or how upset you are, we always end up back here….you’re the only person I know who plays dirty like me to get what they want, and I’m pretty sure that I’m the only person you know who’s skilled at your games. I think we’re just...supposed to be like this.”

Archer grins to himself. “I think that might be true….you’re the only girl I’ve still wanted to be with after screwing.”

_“Nice.”_

“What? I’m just saying….”

A comfortable silence settles in between them before Archer slowly clambers back to his feet, helping Lana up before leading her back towards the school. 

“Since you’re with me again, may I have this dance?”

“You seriously want to dance with me to some techno remix of Drake?”

“Yes, we will slow dance and take up a ridiculous amount of space on the floor. No chaperone will dare approach us,” Archer declares proudly, scoping Lana up into his arms bridal style and carrying her over the threshold into the sweaty and hormone-filled gymnasium.

Life is good again, Lana thinks to herself as Ray shoots her a thumbs up and snaps a picture.

Maybe things really will work out this time...Archer's sweet, dopey smile, strong arms around her waist, and lips pressing up against her cheek seem pretty convincing anyway.


End file.
